I Would've Hated To Have Been The First Platypus

Beavers suck. As an animal, they have got to be the biggest jerks, killer whales aside (those guys are assholes). Think about it. You never see beavers, you only see evidence of them. That in itself is not a bad thing, that is just a shy bachelor, like our friend Chad.

                               Hi Chad!

 No, that's not what I'm talking about. These jerks, beavers, are truly terrible. You never actually see beavers. You see pictures of beavers in books and on the internet (and Playboy, wink-wink), but if you are walking through the woods you never see a beaver, just the chewed on stump of a tree that used to be there. That is incredibly morbid.   And these stumps aren't from really big trees, because if they were then we would have really big beavers, which is both funny and frightening. No, the trees they cut down and drag away are smaller, more like children, if you will. Beavers gnaw at these trees and then drag them away to use for their homes. They build their HOMES with CHILDREN. The bastards! Not only that, beavers build their homes (called lodges) in the midst of dams they build with even more tree-children that cut off water to where it was going and keep it all for their beaver-selves. They are the rich real-estate moguls (that happen to be child-murdering serial killers) of the forest. And sure, killer whales play around with their food before they eat it, but so do I. Killer whales don't go around, pick up a seal, baby or otherwise, and say, "Hmmm, I like seal but I always feel like it is gone too soon. I wish there was a way to keep it around longer so it served a purpose other than just food. I know! A roof!" The only other animal I can think of that is just as creepy is the spider that lays it's eggs in the dead bug it killed so the baby spiders have food when they are born, but spiders are already icky so that isn't too surprising. Beavers are fuzzy and have fat, cherub cheeks and buck teeth and a ridiculous looking tail. If anything, they are supposed to be the adorable chunky kids that look a little funny. But no, instead they decided to be creepers and demented beings that even make Satan wet his pants.


This is the face of pure evil.

I had a dream with beavers in it once. It was a zombie dream. It was about me and my family and some of my friends all on the run from the zombies that, for some reason, were all centered around a bayou in Louisiana. That's a cool dream, but the scary part was how people became zombies. It wasn't a disease or anything remotely reasonable.  You could only become a zombie if a beaver bit you and TOOK AWAY YOUR SOUL.

I remember the cartoon Angry Beavers. I don't remember much other than there was a cartoon with beavers who lived in a cool house and they weren't too many redeeming qualities about them. I also remember the episode where one of the two decided he wasn't going to chop down any more trees and the other one said he had to chop down trees or his teeth would keep growing. And the teeth did. Have you ever seen a picture of someone with nails they decided not to cut? It looked like that. (This, by the way, was on around the same time as Rocko's Modern Life and AAAH! Real Monsters so you can imagine the kind of kid I was.)

Little known fact: Whatever drug it was the artists at Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network took in the late 90s and early 2000s no longer exists. They smoked all of it. Adventure Time and Spongebob is just straight up acid and weed, respectively.





The point her being that not even the makers of a child's cartoon could find enough reason to make the characters in their show nice because they too knew what you and I know now. Also, if the thing about beavers' teeth is true, then trees are beavers' food, building supplies, and their fucking dental hygenist.

The natural habitat for beavers is around water. The same is true for ducks. As any sitcom is bound to point out, if you live next to someone long enough, it becomes a situation full of sexual tension and "will they/ won't they?" Not for beavers. Not at all. Have you ever wondered what the hell is up with the platypus?


Ornithorhynchus anatinus

That is a face only a mother could love. You just can't help but look at that thing and think that it's the result of a drunken one-night stand between a beaver and a duck. Evolution had some play there, I'm sure, but before evolution came in, I'm thinking that one night a beaver and a duck got really drunk and did the nasty and the beaver vamoosed. By the way, the duck has to be the mother in this situation because that sad sack of confusion up there lays eggs. Now not only are beavers serial killers, they are also absent fathers. Good job guys! And the poor abomination that is the result of this union is forced to move out of the country to Australia. You know, the country that's a continent and is known for kangaroos, koalas, and more deadly or dangerous animals of every variety than you can shake a stick at. That, I imagine, is where evolution came in. Australia is chock full of poisonous animals, which makes it a place one does not want to live without being properly armed. You know what that means don't you? Evolution took pity on this horribly disfigured child and blessed it with a poisonous spike. And yet the beaver still thrives, killing trees and not taking responsibility for the child it abandoned or the weird childhood I had. Jerks.