Chickens Are Blasphemous

There are stickers posted around campus at my school of bands, businesses, people's graffiti tags, and a strange looking pickle. There are tons of these all over: in stairwells, on light-poles, on buildings, on newspaper dispensers, etc. They are vain attempts at their creators trying to be cool and hardcore, but they are really just failing miserably at preschool art. If a four-year-old came up and saw someone in the process of putting a sticker on the side of a building, that four-year-old would go, "Pfffffft, you dumb shit, stickers go on the paper, not on the school. I'm not sharing my toys with you because you're weird and I might catch that," because when you are four, you are not supposed to touch anything bad because you might get sick.

That aside, there is one of these stickers I have seen in a couple of places and it has what I think is a band name printed on it. In bright green letters it says "Birds With Teeth" and has the image of T-Rex skeleton on it. Before I had barely acknowledged it because it was just another sticker, but today I noticed it again and realized it was in fact true. Dinosaurs, at least the two-legged ones, were essentially chickens with pointy teeth. So of course then I thought, what the hell did chickens do to deserve their lot in life today? Birds must have really pissed off whoever lives upstairs. In evolutionary terms, the T-Rex got the short end of the stick, you know what with the huge head and hilariously tiny arms. I'm sure the brontosauruses (brontasauri?) made fun of them.


It is in fact a band. They're meh. You can't really hear the music over their mustaches.

"Hey Ted." "Yeah, Jim?" "Look at that poor fucker, he's got all those teeth but he can't get anything because he's got nubby arms! Hahahahaha, look at him try and eat that stegosaurus  Hey, is that Steve? Steve! Hey, Steve! Push on his head when he comes at you, he can't reach you because his arms are so friggin' small!! Hahahahaha--" and that is when the T-Rex had enough of that bull shit and swung his tail around and knocked Jim on his feet because their head was large and their arms were small, but brontosauruses were cocky and their peanut brains forgot about the huge tail.

I bet it was hilarious to watch a brontosaurus fall down.

Anyhoo, chickens and ducks and geese and the rest of the aviarians were all these vicious, bloodthirsty murderers with disproportionate body parts. Even the tiny ones. Remember in Jurassic Park when the fat guy tripped and you laughed maniacally as you watched the two-foot tall twigs with teeth massacre him? Or was that just me?  The point is that even the small bipedal dinos were just as dangerous. They were hardcore, not these low-self esteem hipsters with pieces of shiny paper that have adhesive on the back. Sure, dinosaurs all had peanut brains and yes, they probably wouldn't have lived very long anyhow, meteor or not, but if you or I were to encounter a velociraptor, we wouldn't say "Hmmm, that looks like a McChicken." We would piss ourselves and run away screaming, hoping that they might trip on rock that was in their blind spot.  But we laugh at the descendants of dinosaurs. We use birds for food, jokes, target practice. We call stupid people "bird-brained" and people who walk weirdly "pigeon-toed". We put birds in cages and teach them to say inappropriate phrases for the childish delight of our guests. What in the hell did dinosaurs do and how can I avoid it? Did they insult whatever deity was in charge for dinosaurs? Too much in-breeding? What the fuck did they do? Was it just that science deemed the awesome might of a spinosaurus was not evolutionarily feasible for a long period of time? I hope it was that one because I don't want my descendants to become the butt-end of every joke and loathe the very existence of my species.

The muted wailing you hear right now is every species of reptile crying out in shame and anger.